It's getting to be the time of year when synods electing new bishops start to identify candidates they think might be a good fit for the call. Since 2018, I've been approached by young women seeking to know how I balance this work with the demands of motherhood. The good news is that there are many young women contacting me--it means that people are looking beyond the "typical" bishop candidate to individuals who have historically been overlooked. But it means I spend a lot of time answering individual emails with the same information--and while I'm deeply honored to be consulted as part of a discernment process, I am also aware that due to my schedule: sometimes I don't respond as quickly as I would like.
I thought a Facebook post might be a good vehicle to share my perspectives as someone who entered into this work almost four years ago as a very non-traditional bishop.
First off: BLESS ALL Y'ALL who contact me inquiring how I do this work as a "young mother", but many of you are in completely different parenting phases than I am. I am within 5 years of being an empty nester, assuming all my kidlets launch like they think they will. :) My parenting demands are vastly different from someone with tinies or elementary-aged kids at home. The blessing is that there ARE female bishops who have kids that age--let me know and I will happily put you in contact with them.
This is a really hard call. I think the first few years I was still running on adrenaline. It didn't really cut through that this is hard, demanding work. There is nothing easy about it, and I want to be very clear on that. If you do not sense a call to this office: do not accept the job. I love this job deeply. I am still overwhelmed with a sense of honor that God has called *me* to do this work--that I get to be with pastors and deacons and lay leaders and congregations in some really vulnerable and really exciting times is such a gift! I get to use gifts that weren't always welcome in the pastoral office (a tendency to ask challenging questions, for example). And I get to see from an entirely different perspective how breathtaking this Church is. But it is hard.
You MUST have a support system for your family in place. While bishops do have a fair amount of control over their travel schedule, that reality is that there are some meetings & events that you simply must travel for. For me, I have my parents (Hi, Mom!) who live 4 miles away from us & who have dedicated their early retirement years to making sure that my family has support when I am away. They take my kids to music lessons, pick them up from clubs, have my family over for dinner, bring emergency hygiene supplies to school--everything. They rise to the occasion with a reliability that humbles me--how much they love me, how much they love the Church! I am under NO illusion that I would be able to do this work without their support. Your family might not function like mine does. But you if you can find and maintain a support system for the times you are gone: it will make the time away so much easier.
You will miss out on things. You just have to accept this. Thanks to technology, distances aren't as distance-y as they once were, but since beginning this work I have missed more parent-teacher conferences, orchestra concerts, school showcase nights, etc. I was gone the night of my daughter's first semi-formal dance. I wasn't there to help her with her hair or makeup--she had do do all that on her own because her dad is NO help in that department. And that sucks and makes you feel like a terrible mother or an absentee parent. But it's part of the job.
Your partner has to believe in this call MORE than you do. The minute my husband looks at me and says, "This is too hard." is the day I'm out. So much falls to them, and it's a lot for them to take on. The only way it works is that Matthew believes I'm called to this work more than I do most days. It's his love, support, & certainty that gets me to the airport for the second 5am flight in six days. It's his assurances that our kids are fine that keeps my head in the game when it needs to be. And it's his compassionate willingness to let me lay on the couch in a blond pile with our kids & soak them in when I come back home that reassures me our little family is going to be OK.
Your kids need understand this call (as much as they can). When I was first asked to consider being a nominee, I went to my husband first & then we went to our kids & said, "This is what we know will change if Mama does this work. But that's just a TINY part of the job. So what do you think? If you say 'no', that will be the end of it because you matter more than anything. Even if you say 'yes' and Mama lets her name go forward, there's no guarantee that she will be called to the job." then we talked it out as a family. They were 9 and 12 at the time. And they both agreed that I should allow myself to be nominated. This has really helped them embrace the chaos, and they have never once said they wished they had answered differently.
Don't try to bishop like you don't have kids. I am a wife and a mother, and those two vocations take precedence over all others. I bishop from the perspective of a mother. I make decisions based on the church I hope my children inherit. I bring them along with me as often as I can, so that they can (hopefully) say: when Mom was called to serve as bishop, that was when we learned how big the Church is! Rather than, "That's when the Church took Mom away from us." I got to take my youngest to Washington D.C to lobby in the Capital for legislation to address climate change. We were so excited! But she got sick in the night, so instead of going to the Capital we hung out in a Marriott & thanked God for Amazon delivery and ginger ale and saltine crackers. She kept apologizing for my missing the day on the Hill. I told her, "There are close to 100 people in our group who are here to talk to legislators. There is exactly ONE person in our group who can take care of you when you're sick, and that's me. I am where I need to be." So you know, it doesn't always work out the way you think it will, but it does all work out.
When I was elected in 2017, I was the 12th currently serving woman on the Conference of Bishops and one of the youngest women ever elected to the office. Out of 65 bishops. I was number 12. Now the CoB is a full third female, and 10% persons of color. I have female colleagues who have been elected while still in their 30s. In three years, this fairly static body has experienced great change, welcoming leaders who would never have been considered for the role 15 years ago. It is truly an exciting time to be the Church! A time where the right leader can parlay the anxious energy of the Church into a willingness to try new things--because we have literally nothing to lose. It is a time for new voices to be heard--voices that come from male and female, old & young, gay & straight, people of color, people who's primary language is not English.
It's far from perfect. We still have work to do. And if this call is your call: you will be richly blessed within it. If this call is your call, nothing will take it from you (sorry, not sorry). If this is your call it is because God has planned for it to be your call since the beginning, and your voice is a voice we need. So do your discernment. Know what you will sacrifice. Be willing to be surprised. Be willing to learn how wrong you were about so many things. And know that you will continue to be a mom. You can be both.
And if you are called to this office: you WILL be both. And it will be good.
Source: https://www.facebook.com/EWAIDBishop/posts/2680757135543875